Mangled
by Anna Nimmie Tee
Summary: Queen Martina's cravings lead King Zangulus into dangerous, covert action.


[Written originally for a Secret Santa exchange. Another take on the Rapunzel tale. Totally silly.]

Mangled

"Zangy, dear. Are you awake? " Martina jabbed her husband in the ribs with a sharp, little elbow.

"Muh?" Zangulus grunted.

"How can you snore away when I can't sleep a wink, what with thinking about it!" She gave him a harder shove.

Zangulus blinked his eyes stupidly, yawned, and, turning to face his wife, managed to mumble, "Thinking about what, Sugar Queen?" He reached out and stroked one of her pistachio colored curls, which elongated and snapped back with a "sproing!"

She gently slapped away his hand and pouted, " I just told you. About dragoncress! This pregnancy is making me sooo crave dragoncress!"

"Fine, I see about getting some for you in the morning." He turned away and pulled the covers up over his shoulder.

Martina whacked him with her pillow. "No, I have to have it now, or I'll get sick thinking about it. If I get sick, we could lose this child!"

"But it only grows across the border in Seyruun, and in you-know-whose garden. I'll face my doom if I just hop over the border and take it in the middle of the night. Besides, she's probably put magical protection wards on the place."

The moonlight streaming through the window revealed tears glistening in Martina's large eyes. "Please, pretty please? How can you not get for me now? After all I've done for you? Making you king of Zoana and giving you two beautiful children and a third on the way! Has the bloom gone off our marriage? Will you be leaving your family for the life of a traveling mercenary again? Oh, Monstrous Zomelgustar, what am I, a poor, neglected and very pregnant queen to do? Waaah!"

Zangulus cringed and sighed, "Don't, my darling. The responsibilities of state are heavy; it's true, but the comfort of a loving wife, not to mention a comfy bed and predictably arriving meals, keep me with you. Have it your way."

So saying, Zangulus disengaged himself from the grateful embrace of his wife and the warmth of the bed covers. He lit the bedside light and dressed. He was still rather sleepy and almost put on his Monstrous Zomelgustar fluffy slippers, given to him by Martina as a first anniversary present. He only remembered to take them off and exchange them for his boots after snatching his old hat, cloak, and Howling Sword, Part 2 from the horns of the Monstrous Zomelgustar image that hung by Maratina's side of the bed. (Originally it had hung OVER the bed, but on their wedding night Zangulus had managed to convince Martina it would be just as effective and a lot safer if hung NEXT TO the bed.)

After drinking a cup of coffee strongly laced with a fine Zephielian whiskey, Zangulus adjusted his cloak, pulled his hat down a little more over his forehead, and quietly set off for the wall at the border between Zoana and Seyruun.

He found his two guards fast asleep at the border crossing. While he knew there was no fear of an invasion from Seyruun, appearances still had to be kept. Or so he thought. A couple good, swift kicks to the lances the guards were leaning on for support caused them to face plant painfully on the ground. They weren't too happy with the dressing down he gave them either. Still grumbling about their laxness and with a slightly sore foot, he entered the neighboring kingdom.

Martina hadn't taken all the mercenary out of His Majesty, King Zangulus. It was then but a short run from shadow to shadow to the tall, walled garden where the best dragoncress grew on the continent. He slithered over the wall like the sneaky mercenary he used to be. Praying that there weren't any magic wards to harm him, he silently jumped down.

Or, rather, he tried to. He suddenly found a foot tangled in wires and his ears deafened by clanging sounds. Objects began flying at him from all directions. He bent backwards to dodge a whirling blade and then jumped with difficulty to the side, while extracting his sword from its scabbard. After cutting swiftly some of the wires, he then deflected an arrow speeding at him from the left. The door of a cuckoo clock up in a tree opened, and instead of a bird, an iron ball blasted out with smoke and a roar. The Howling Sword took care of that, but when he turned to fend off an iron skillet coming at him from the right, a remaining wire tripped him. As he lost his balance and fell, a rather misshapen, horse statue was launched at him and landed with an ominous thud awfully close to his head. His hat was now even more "worse for wear."

In one of the upper windows of the tower overlooking the garden, a light suddenly blazed, the window opened, and a long, golden stream of hair cascaded out. Sharp eyes discerned the discombobulated king of Zoana.

"Zangulus? We thought it was those pesky rabbits attacking the garden again! Hey, buddy, isn't this taking competitiveness a little too far? It's too late, er, or too early for sparring."

"Gourry, I'm not here for that! I'm here for…"

He was interrupted by Gourry's favorite sorceress "Zangulus, you pointy-headed idiot! How dare you disturb my beauty sleep!" she snarled while joining her husband at the window. To his horror, Zangulus heard a faint crackling sound and noticed a ball of fire beginning to form in Lina's hand.

"It's the dragoncress! Martina's pregnant with our third and woke up with a horrible craving for it! She won't let me wait until morning to come over and ask for some. You know what she can be like. And what's with all this junk, especially that horse-thingy?  
Why not just a decent ward to prevent entry?"

"The blasted rabbits just tunnel under magical barriers and come out in the middle of the garden. I don't want to put anything on the plants themselves either, 'cause they won't be able to grow properly." Lina wrapped her robe more tightly about her to fend off the chill of the night. "Now then, about the dragoncress. It's gonna cost you plenty, seeing how you sneaked in here like a thief and woke us up. I need my sleep. Martina's not the only one pregnant, ya know."

Knowing Lina's greed, Zangulus shuddered and asked, "What do you want for payment?"

"Your Howling Sword. I want to study it, and maybe pass it down to the kid who doesn't inherit the Blast Blade."

"No way! I need it to defend my kingdom. I'd rather give you our first born or the second one!" Zangulus yelled indignantly.

"What, Howling Child, Part One or Howling Child, Part Two? Uh uh, dude! We've got our own to drive us nuts," Lina scoffed. "Oh boy, just wait until I tell Martina what you offered!"

Zangulus paled and fell to his knees. "Nooooo! Please don't tell her!" he pleaded.

"Oh? Ok, then let's see how much gold that dragoncress will cost you... Hmmm..."

"Awww, Lina. Go easy on the guy. They're still trying to rebuild Zoana and will have more mouths to feed," Gourry interceded for his rival/friend. "Besides," he murmured in her ear, "the more occupied they can be with kingdom and family building, the less they'll be pains in the butt to both of us." This was accompanied by a quick little hug of her waist.

"Stop that, Gourry!" she exclaimed, but giggled a little before she gave him a hard push onto the floor. She then called down to Zangulus, "Oh, alright. I know about those pregnancy cravings. Take what you can stuff in that tacky cloak of yours. But I want a nice thank you note from Martina. No digs about how common I am."

Zangulus gathered as much of the dragoncress as he could, still fearful of the hair-trigger temper of the sorceress, who could suddenly change her mind. And that happened when a loud wail came from within the tower.

"Just great! You woke the toddler! That tears it! We had one hell of time getting her to sleep, thanks to a psycho songstress, who stopped by just before bedtime. Grrrr! Flare arrow!"

"More likely it was your loud, shrill voice!" the king replied out of the side of his mouth, as he dove out of the way and headed for the garden gate.

Gourry restrained Lina from throwing another spell at the retreating Zangulus. He quickly wrapped the struggling woman up in the bedclothes and pressed her onto the bed. "I'll see to our little sweetie," he promised as he kissed her forehead. When he returned a short while latter and found she had calmed down, he asked, "Aren't you afraid there won't be enough dragoncress for yourself? We grew it just for your own cravings."

"Mush for brains that was for my last pregnancy. Looking at it makes me almost want to puke, now that it's grown again."

"You mean I spent all that back-braking digging, hoeing, fertilizing, and weeding for nothing this summer?" Gourry whined in disgust. "Man, I could have killed Zangulus with all those traps I set up to protect it and started a war with Zoana!"

"Just shut up and get me some pistachio ice cream. Thinking of that Martina's hair makes me hungry for it."

Meanwhile, Zangulus limped back with the dragoncress bundled up in his cloak to his tiny kingdom. "Don't ask," he warned his border guards, who had stood rapidly to attention at his approach. Wearily he deposited the dragoncress in the kitchen sink and cleaned it. He then dragged himself up the stairs to ask Martina how she'd like it prepared. She was fast asleep.

"Martina, darling, I have it," he whispered and gently shook her awake. "How would you like it fixed?"

Groggily she replied, "How did it get broken?"

"No, no, I mean, how would you like the dragoncress prepared?"

"Ick! Dragoncress!" Martina sat up rapidly and made a retching face. "I don't want that awful stuff. It leaves a nasty taste.. A grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich, yes, that's what I want right now. Please make it for me?"

Zangulus whimpered and left to do his wife's bidding.

Monstrous Zomelgustar saw it all but never said a word about it.


End file.
